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No self-love is my prison

No self-love is my prison

Entering this new year I realize I still don’t love myself completely from deep within. Even though it is way better than it ever was and I have gone through so many layers of healing already.

First my grip on life was my personality or ego layer.
Thinking I was so smart, evolved, spiritual.
She was arrogant and told me, see we are better than them, we are so committed to the world, we see so much more, we are so holy.
But she was hiding in her iron tower, behind a hard layer of spiritual arrogance.
That part of me cracked open many years ago.

Then my scared little girl came out.
She was scared and told me see, we are not good enough, don’t know enough, others are so much more evolved, educated, on top of life…  another ego layer.
Slowly I started showing myself, in big waves of yes I am going for it and no the world is a big scary place.
And in the bad times I used my old defense mechanisms.
My additions, trying to hide, trying to numb, focusing on others.

Slowly the waves of yes I am going for it getting more and more.
I tell myself, see I am a high priestess, I am my higher self, I am not my scared little girl, I am not my personality.
I love myself.
And although I could really feel how I love myself many of the times.
Telling myself I am this or that was also a way of giving myself an identity, a layer to protect myself.

And so I am stepping into just being.
No more hiding, no more focussing on others.
No more telling myself I am better or less.
Feeling every step of the way inside myself.
Every now moment.
Realizing that nothing around me is keeping me from self-love.
Realizing that no self-love in itself is my prison.

It’s a new day

It’s a new day

The energy in the world is very strong at this moment, everybody can feel it, opinions, separation, it is intensifying.
It is really too much, I rather not feel it.
But… I made a commitment…
To myself, to my daughter, to all beautiful people I know, the spirit world, the universe:

I am creating a new world!

This is what I wrote in a small workgroup ‘manifesting with purpose’ some time ago:
I am love, depth, connection and playfulness.
I bring love for the body and love for spirit.
I bring shadow and light.
I am secret agent of the new world.
I am creating a new world and invite other people to join me.
I do this through workshops and private sessions and by being who I am.
I visualize and create places where this will get even more space.
It’s a new day!

And this is what I do every day.

And I feel very blessed to be connected to so many beautiful others, who are living life from a space of love and connection.
Creating, sharing, helping, wanting the best for the world.
I know together we will continue to bring so much more of this.
Love rules!
Vulnerability

Vulnerability

I am so loving that we are heading into this new world where expressing, loving, opening up, showing ourselves with every feeling we have is more and more allowed and even appreciated.
We can express our sexuality, our creativity, our intellect, our inner being, our emotions, our uniqueness.

But all this also comes with learning ‘how to’ express from our authentic being.
Who is this being?
We have learned to cover up, think twice, don’t show, shut up and more…
And so we are learning to connect to and expand from a place we don’t really know.

We are discovering our deepest inner worlds, the shadow and the light, our small and our big…. if we allow it.

Being able to show all this inside turbulent, emotional, not so happy part of me and show my vulnerability to others and take it out of my shadow where it wasn’t allowed, I could heal the shield I had around me to cover up my pain.

Crying on a friends lap or sharing my deepest fears, showing my feeling of total worthlessness, has totally softened me and made me love myself more and more.
Going past my fears and show up for everything that wants to happen or be expressed in my life is another big one that has really changed my world.

I still struggle with days where I don’t like myself, but I can now hold myself more and more when I feel that way. Having been able to show this to others has helped me to love and hold myself more.

I can now sit with myself, dance with myself, play with myself and cry while doing it, and give myself the nurturing I need.
I am proud of myself for facing it all.
Thank you so much to all fellow travellers on this journey!
Honoring my father and all men

Honoring my father and all men

Today I want to honor my father and all men.
Today one year ago I saw my father for the last time on his birthday, 2 weeks later he died.
I felt a relieve for him, no more suffering, and also i felt a relieve for myself.
I never liked my father, he was hard and verbally fucked my brain and self confidence when i was young.
Very touching in the last years he became more soft.
But his earlier behavior made me look down on men in general.
I thought men were the inferior kind of humans and felt arrogant and hard towards men.
(Probably this also has to do with the long history and lineage of patriarchy in which men ruled the world).
Luckily I grew up with a very nice brother who changed my view on men just a little.
Also I always attracted nice and good hearted lovers and boyfriends.
But I could not see the real value men bring.
How I perceived men really only changed when I started my tantric path and became soft myself.
Now I can see the beautiful energy men bring, the grounding, the care taker, the spaceholder, the rock, how they try hard to understand women, the simplicity.
The death of my father created space in myself for my own inner soft masculine to rise.
handtekening
Finally me

Finally me

My life has been like a twilight zone, a world I was taught was real and my own world and reality but not knowing how to live and express it.
I did not learn how to feel myself, or how to go my own way, I was taught to control and plan my life.

The past years my intention was ‘to get out of my own way’ and by that I meant, the me I was taught was me.
I had to become so quiet I could finally really hear my own voice and feel myself.
And suddenly all the pieces start to fall into place. Everything I have done so far in life falls into the puzzle.

I have always been into spiritual practice and looking for who I really am, in relation to others and the world.
And so I searched and searched, lived a thousand lifetimes, different careers, workshops, travelled the world, did a lot of dancing and martial arts and disciplining the body, exploring sexuality and relationships, so many friendships and groups I was and am part of.
And many times I was part of it, but at the same time I felt very lost.
I had searched everywhere but I really did not have a clue, I was in deep pain emotionally. My personality or ego shield was crumbling.
I numbed myself. And all the time all I was really looking for was myself.

Luckily I have a couple of life time friends (and they only multiply) that have always seen the real me and always uplifted my spirit by expressing their trust and love for me (thank you for that)

Lately I can really feel me. And I feel I want to share so much more of me with the world.
My work and life now is really an expression of everything I have learned along the way.
In this world we all have names for what we do, workshop facilitator, business manager, whatever.
And I feel non of them and I feel part of it all, like a domino.
So I call myself a mother, a lover, a facilitator, a friend, a world citizen, a dancer, a flower, just me. Finally me!

Surrender to life

Surrender to life

It is now 7 years ago since I surrendered myself to whatever wants to unfold in my life. I was struggling with a lot, did work that was not me and I did not know how to get out. So I started asking show me why am I here, how can I be of service to this world.

The only thing I knew, I wanted to create more freedom and love in this world and I wanted to step out of the world I was taught was real but was not me. And during these past years I died, cried, have felt all of my emotions, all of my insecurities, caught myself trying to control whatever wanted to unfold, wanted to express myself but was so scared, but realized that by opening myself I started giving and receiving so much more love.

First shibari came by, I was very confused why shibari, something that was still so ‘hidden’, I really had to expose myself. But it was instant love and it took me into a path I had no idea which way I would go.
Now I know it taught me how to be vulnerable, how to feel again and how to surrender to life itself.

My life evolved into facilitating and assisting workshops that free up our mind and body, our conditioning, kink, shibari, or tantra. I have assisted in many workshops and learned so much, thank you for that especially Ruby May
Also so grateful for my dear friend Eveline for creating so many workshops with me and for Johan for our workshops together.

I started doing private sessions with couples who share with me their deepest and darkest shadows and longings.
I work with individuals exploring themselves and learning to love themselves.
A lot of trauma lays in everybody and in opening myself to whatever wants to unfold I find myself transforming my own and other people’s trauma.

And every time I am in a session or when I am in a workshop space my heart is jumping up and down and I feel I really have to do this.
Every time I see somebody sink into their body, open up, lighting up, go wild and feel uncontrollable pleasure or really love themselves and each other, I know why I do this. Every time is so special. Every time is so humble.
And also sometimes it is not there, maybe not the right time and then nothing happens, or resistance comes up, but that is part of it too.
It is opening up over and over again, opening in vulnerability in order to be really present.

The past year I had the opportunity to sink into whatever wants to unfold even more (..thx baby)
I needed to become really quiet to hear my own voice.
So many ideas were running through me, and I told myself I had to just go for it, face my fears, work harder, push further (demons from my past)
And sometimes that is just not what you need.
Sometimes yes, but sometimes really no. Sometimes you just have to wait and be very quiet.
I needed to slow down and take it step by step and really let everything bubble up from deep within.
I had to learn to listen to my own voice and really hear what she has to say and still sometimes it gets blurry with so much going on around us, but that’s ok as well

The beauty of surrender

The beauty of surrender

yoga-313

After years of practicing shibari I wonder what it is that keeps me so in love with this way of expressing and connecting.

Every time it is different and every time it touches me so deeply.

It brings me to a place inside myself where I feel calm, playful, vulnerable and powerful.

It is an experience of surrender for the person who is being tied , but also for me it feels like i surrender to something bigger than me. All my senses wake up, i can feel myself and the other deeply, the world around me fades away and i feel connected to everything.

What feels key to surrendering to the expression of myself is to open myself to whatever wants to unfold. No control but just let it happen, with open heart, open mind and open body.

This is something I have been learning over the years, to become vulnerable and to surrender because I used to be closed down in so many ways. Old patterns, my old hiding and defense meganisms, they are not working anymore. They were just a way to not trust life enough and wanting control over it.

And so I practice surrendering to life itself.  

Totally opening up to whatever wants to unfold comes with unblocking everything inside.  

I have become aware of the resistance inside me, I practice being totally present with everything I do, and I face all my fears from a space of love and playfulness.

It all becomes more clear how to do this, I am learning it along the way. How to surrender to everything, other people, life, to my emotions, my fears and so my shadow becomes integrated inside me.

 

Opening up in intimacy

Opening up in intimacy

In the field of intimacy and sexuality we are experiencing and opening up in so many ways nowadays.
We have not really learned how to be sexual in a healthy way and so we are looking for it in tantra, at sexy parties, in couples clubs, in beautiful shibari, in bdsm, through intimacy and relationship coaches.

How do we get healthy intimate sexy relationships and be happy?
What will work for us?
What is this multiple full body orgasms some people have for hours? Is that possible through tantra only? Can you also experience this through ‘normal’ sex or kinky play?
Is sex a stairway to heaven and how can I reach this?

We come from a long history of sexual abuse and not knowing how to connect from the heart. If only we can relieve the hurt and pain that has been caused and is still caused by wrong use of sexuality!
The topic of boundaries is very important in this context, learning to say yes or no.
But how do we know a boundary, if we do not even know what we sense and feel?
We have not learned to really feel and express emotions and how to take care of ourselves in certain situations, let alone take care of the feelings and emotions of others.

We have learned NOT to feel the parts in ourselves that need nurturing, like grief, anger, anxiety, shame or guilt and these all have moved to our shadow, the parts in us we are not allowed to feel.
We have forgotten how to take care of ourselves, how to feel ourselves and how to feel the other. We just have not learned to welcome our emotions.

In various conscious forms of sexuality nowadays we learn to stay in the moment and allow everything to come up in the moment.
If we learn to take care of ourselves in the moment, be honest with ourselves and our patterns of greedy and neediness, really see ourselves and take responsibility for that, if we just learn to breath very deep in our bodies, we can learn to connect again from a space of authentic being.

What we need is to awaken ourselves and all our senses again and heal the shadow sides inside us, allowing everything to come up. Then when we allow all to come up, we realise the emotions are just temporarily.
For everybody this is different and even it differs every day.

Taking it all very slow is one way of connecting very beautiful and deeply.
Sometimes we will need to play around or speed up in order to wake our bodies and lift our spirits.
Other times we want to go really wild, restrain the body and have our hair pulled in order to be celebrated.
And this changes every day.
And for everybody this will be different.

For me allowing myself to feel everything has opened the door to the stairway.
Connect to myself and allowing myself to show everything from a space of vulnerability.
It took me a long time to feel safe in doing that.
Now I feel safe I am learning to love myself and others every day more

Freedom to explore

Freedom to explore

freedom to explore

When i was growing up there was a lot of judgment on sex, and especially a girl liking a lot of sex. I was that girl and i didn’t think there was anything wrong with exploring sex.

There was shame & limiting beliefs on what is considered ‘right’ sexual behavior (ok there still is…)
We keep everything in our shadow and hide our sexual preferences where it can die and shrink into nothing or where it turns into a demon one day or another.

As a very young girl I played with myself and I played doctor with my neighbour girls.

From when I was 13 I played with many boys and boyfriends.

With my first boyfriend, we lived in bed being intimate as much as possible.

Until i was 37 I had several boyfriends, i tried free relationships, swinging, being faithful, made love, had sex, broke up, stayed too long.

Then for almost 8 years I was without a partner, started practicing tantra and real meditation, exploring with some practice partners, short relationships but also being in solitude for long periods of time, periods of not feeling sexual and periods of exploring with myself, and exploring energy, breath, meditation, healing.
Since I discovered shibari bondage 7 years ago I have looked around in the world of BDSM and a combination of tantra and kink – conscious kink.

My sexual energy is still very high in my life, I love going in ecstasy, my body is buzzing a lot and i love it, feeling so alive, and also I love being in meditation or physical exercise. But most of all what i love at this moment is the openness of my heart and my vulnerability. It comes with a lot of courage and fears.

Still I am not done exploring, it’s my study for life.

Our freedom in sexuality and especially our capacity to love (however scary it is) is our freedom to be or become who we are.

All preferences, all sexes, any gender a.n.y.t.h.i.n.g goes

Everything is ok in mutual consent.

It’s about what makes our hearts jump & about making loving connections.

It is about taking our own responsibility, if we don’t force or disrespect, ourself and others, everything is allowed

So much freedom to explore!

Touch yourself

Touch yourself

Exploring ourselves intimately is such a deep, liberating, fun and challenging path to follow.
Showing our vulnerability, our greatness and our true hearts is something we learn by taking it step by step.

We all have our own little buttons, fantasies and preferences.
Partly this is who we are and partly it is influenced by the relationships we had when growing up. 
Besides taboos or conditioning around intimacy it is the things we missed, simple touch or cuddles, maybe emotional availability of parents that can influence the way we treat ourselves and also what we are looking for in an other being.

If we discover new ways of connecting to ourselves and others – maybe learning to touch differently, try out some fantasies, being held or holding somebody – we are giving our self the chance to change our perception of intimacy and also bring new life energy in our bodies.

Togetherness and mirroring brings beautiful gifts. And at the same time showing up for ourselves and learning to be fully and unconditionally present in our own bodies gives us the self love we need to be able to show ourself fully to others.