Author: Silvia

Intimacy full of flow

Intimacy full of flow

Posted on by Silvia
In my work I touch people or I guide couples to touch each other in new ways.
What I notice is that we haven’t really learned about the possibilities of touch.
Often, we just “do what we do” and aren’t really conscious of exactly what we are doing. What impact does each touch have?

In the beginning of a relationship, this still works because we are full of passion for each other. But later in the relationship, this does not work anymore.
The “autopilot” kicks in, and we often repeat the same things.

Being consciously present with what you are doing is a first step toward a fulfilling intimate life.
Getting to know each other in new ways and learning to touch each other in new ways. What if I do this to you, what if I touch you like this, do you like it?
Being curious (and continuing to stay curious) towards eachother.

This goes hand in hand with learning to express what we feel, what we like, what our desires are, what we don’t like so much.
In feeling and expressing this, we create real connection.
Connection to yourself, connection to each other.
Here I don’t mean ever-lasting conversations, just talk no action.
Perhaps this is the most important ingredient for a flowing intimate life.
Being present with whatever arises in the moment and then let it move into another moment.
Not staying stuck in a (porn) fantasy in your head, or a trigger that comes up, but feeling the sensations in your body, the scary emotions, and staying in contact with each other about them.
This can be an euphoric experience, an orgasm, but it’s also raw; uncertainty, fear of abandonment, wanting to do it right, not daring to speak up, a whole range of feelings arises when you start to connect.

True connection leads to feeling more. And that can be a bit scary at times.
The reward is more playfulness and fun, deepening the love for each other.
An intimate life full of flow, who wouldn’t want that?
The power of togetherness

The power of togetherness

Posted on by Silvia
A beautiful aspect of the work I do is coming together in groups.
In relation to others, dynamics arise.
Others are mirrors that tell you something about yourself.
In relation to others, you can touch themes such as vulnerability, boundaries, desires, safety, speaking your truth, feeling and expressing emotions.
In relation to others, you can play and explore.

I find this endlessly fascinating.
In this process, you get to know yourself better and better.
For me, this has contributed immensely to my development.
My biggest fear was speaking in groups. Especially going around the circle; as my turn came closer, everything inside me was shaking, and when I spoke, I had no idea what I was saying — my nerves would take over.
In those moments, I couldn’t feel myself.

Through practicing this, going through my fear, in small groups, in larger groups, in my own workshops, I gradually learned to use my voice and show myself to others.
This brought a lot of development and insights.

I notice around me that we increasingly long for this sharing with others, to share what we really feel inside.
By showing it to others, you literally get more breathing space.
You can then give yourself more permission to be who you are, with everything you feel in the moment. You begin to experience more freedom.

And intimacy is exactly that: feeling yourself and showing yourself to the other person.
Combined with a lot of touch and body language.
Talking and sharing how you feel is nice, but the language of the body and of touch makes it complete.
How does your body feel, where is your breath? Are you connected to your own sexuality, truly connected to your own body?
From there, you can connect with the other person.
How do you want to be touched, what are your desires, your boundaries? What are your partner’s desires and boundaries?
How can you give and receive exactly the way it feels good.

I love to pay a lot of attention to this in my retreats and sessions.
On my sessions or events page, you can see the possibilities to experience this yourself.
To all lovers…

To all lovers…

Posted on by Silvia

Do you recognize this…?

When you first meet, everything happens naturally when making love.
The spark, the right scent, the right touch…
But after a while, this changes.

We still like each other very much, but intimacy becomes boring, we repeat, one doesn’t touch properly, the other closes down.
Suddenly, it feels like a task to be intimate with your partner.
Our rose-colored glasses make way for a mirror, and if you don’t look into this mirror, intimacy often fades, until it dies, until we look for someone else, or make jokes that being married means being sex-less.

This is a pity ofcourse.
Cause how wonderful is it to touch, to be touched, to feel, to flirt, to make love?
How can you keep this alive in a positive way?

The world of intimacy as we know it is often based on performance; we have to perform, and the reward is an orgasm.
The pressure on the man is to satisfy the woman as often as possible, and the pressure on the woman is to be beautiful and shiny (for convenience I’m only referring to men/women, but there’s also performance pressure in gay couples of course).
What an incredible amount of pressure!

We’ve also learned to suppress uncomfortable feelings like shame, guilt, fear, and insecurity.
We don’t want to feel these, and also in connection with others, we often push them away.
“I’d better not say this or I’ll spoil the moment,” I often hear.
My response to that is: if you’re thinking that, the moment is already gone. You can no longer truly be present in what you’re doing.
And this is exactly what gets in the way of the flow of intimacy and connection if we don’t do something about it.

True connection arises when we let go of our protective layer and dare to be vulnerable and open with each other.
Vulnerable and open about how we really feel inside.
Your insecurity, your desires, your fears, your discomforts.
True connection happens when everything in us can participate.
Then you can experiment, discover, and explore.
Then you don’t have to get it perfect and can figure out together how it feels right.
Then you can feel more and more and just be with everything that arises in the moment.
Then you can play together without a goal, not focused on an expectation or an end result.
Then the flow of sexual and loving energy between you can start to flow again.

No self-love is my prison

No self-love is my prison

Posted on by Silvia

Entering this new year I realize I still don’t love myself completely from deep within. Even though it is way better than it ever was and I have gone through so many layers of healing already.

First my grip on life was my personality or ego layer.
Thinking I was so smart, evolved, spiritual.
She was arrogant and told me, see we are better than them, we are so committed to the world, we see so much more, we are so holy.
But she was hiding in her iron tower, behind a hard layer of spiritual arrogance.
That part of me cracked open many years ago.

Then my scared little girl came out.
She was scared and told me see, we are not good enough, don’t know enough, others are so much more evolved, educated, on top of life…  another ego layer.
Slowly I started showing myself, in big waves of yes I am going for it and no the world is a big scary place.
And in the bad times I used my old defense mechanisms.
My additions, trying to hide, trying to numb, focusing on others.

Slowly the waves of yes I am going for it getting more and more.
I tell myself, see I am a high priestess, I am my higher self, I am not my scared little girl, I am not my personality.
I love myself.
And although I could really feel how I love myself many of the times.
Telling myself I am this or that was also a way of giving myself an identity, a layer to protect myself.

And so I am stepping into just being.
No more hiding, no more focussing on others.
No more telling myself I am better or less.
Feeling every step of the way inside myself.
Every now moment.
Realizing that nothing around me is keeping me from self-love.
Realizing that no self-love in itself is my prison.

It’s a new day

It’s a new day

Posted on by Silvia
The energy in the world is very strong at this moment, everybody can feel it, opinions, separation, it is intensifying.
It is really too much, I rather not feel it.

But… I made a commitment…
To myself, to my daughter, to all beautiful people I know, the spirit world, the universe: I am creating a new world!

This is what I wrote in a small workgroup ‘manifesting with purpose’ some time ago:
I am love, depth, connection and playfulness.
I bring love for the body and love for spirit.
I bring shadow and light.
I am secret agent of the new world.
I am creating a new world and invite other people to join me.
I do this through workshops and private sessions and by being who I am.
I visualize and create places where this will get even more space.
It’s a new day!

And this is what I do every day.
And I feel very blessed to be connected to so many beautiful others, who are living life from a space of love and connection.
Creating, sharing, helping, wanting the best for the world.
I know together we will continue to bring so much more of this.
Love rules!
Vulnerability

Vulnerability

Posted on by Silvia
I am so loving that we are heading into this new world where expressing, loving, opening up, showing ourselves with every feeling we have is more and more allowed and even appreciated.
We can express our sexuality, our creativity, our intellect, our inner being, our emotions, our uniqueness.

But all this also comes with learning ‘how to’ express from our authentic being.
Who is this being?

We have learned to cover up, think twice, don’t show, shut up and more…
And so we are learning to connect to and expand from a place we don’t really know.
We are discovering our deepest inner worlds, the shadow and the light, our small and our big…. if we allow it.

Being able to show all this inside turbulent, emotional, not so happy part of me and show my vulnerability to others and take it out of my shadow where it wasn’t allowed, I could heal the shield I had around me to cover up my pain.
Crying on a friends lap or sharing my deepest fears, showing my feeling of total worthlessness, has totally softened me and made me love myself more and more.
Going past my fears and show up for everything that wants to happen or be expressed in my life is another big one that has really changed my world.

I still struggle with days where I don’t like myself, but I can now hold myself more and more when I feel that way. Having been able to show this to others has helped me to love and hold myself more.

I can now sit with myself, dance with myself, play with myself and cry while doing it, and give myself the nurturing I need.
I am proud of myself for facing it all.
Thank you so much to all fellow travellers on this journey!
Honoring my father and all men

Honoring my father and all men

Posted on by Silvia

Today I want to honor my father and all men.
Today one year ago I saw my father for the last time on his birthday, 2 weeks later he died.
I felt a relieve for him, no more suffering, and also i felt a relieve for myself.
I never liked my father, he was hard and verbally fucked my brain and self confidence when i was young.
Very touching in the last years he became more soft.
But his earlier behavior made me look down on men in general.
I thought men were the inferior kind of humans and felt arrogant and hard towards men.
(Probably this also has to do with the long history and lineage of patriarchy in which men ruled the world).
Luckily I grew up with a very nice brother who changed my view on men just a little.
Also I always attracted nice and good hearted lovers and boyfriends.
But I could not see the real value men bring.
How I perceived men really only changed when I started my tantric path and became soft myself.
Now I can see the beautiful energy men bring, the grounding, the care taker, the spaceholder, the rock, how they try hard to understand women, the simplicity.
The death of my father created space in myself for my own inner soft masculine to rise.

Finally me

Finally me

Posted on by Silvia

My life has been like a twilight zone, a world I was taught was real and my own world and reality but not knowing how to live and express it.
I did not learn how to feel myself, or how to go my own way, I was taught to control and plan my life.

The past years my intention was ‘to get out of my own way’ and by that I meant, the me I was taught was me.
I had to become so quiet I could finally really hear my own voice and feel myself.
And suddenly all the pieces start to fall into place. Everything I have done so far in life falls into the puzzle.

I have always been into spiritual practice and looking for who I really am, in relation to others and the world.
And so I searched and searched, lived a thousand lifetimes, different careers, workshops, travelled the world, did a lot of dancing and martial arts and disciplining the body, exploring sexuality and relationships, so many friendships and groups I was and am part of.
And many times I was part of it, but at the same time I felt very lost.
I had searched everywhere but I really did not have a clue, I was in deep pain emotionally. My personality or ego shield was crumbling.
I numbed myself. And all the time all I was really looking for was myself.

Luckily I have a couple of life time friends (and they only multiply) that have always seen the real me and always uplifted my spirit by expressing their trust and love for me (thank you for that)

Lately I can really feel me. And I feel I want to share so much more of me with the world.
My work and life now is really an expression of everything I have learned along the way.
In this world we all have names for what we do, workshop facilitator, business manager, whatever.
And I feel non of them and I feel part of it all, like a domino.
So I call myself a mother, a lover, a facilitator, a friend, a world citizen, a dancer, a flower, just me. Finally me!

Surrender to life

Surrender to life

Posted on by Silvia

It is now 7 years ago since I surrendered myself to whatever wants to unfold in my life. I was struggling with a lot, did work that was not me and I did not know how to get out. So I started asking show me why am I here, how can I be of service to this world.

The only thing I knew, I wanted to create more freedom and love in this world and I wanted to step out of the world I was taught was real but was not me. And during these past years I died, cried, have felt all of my emotions, all of my insecurities, caught myself trying to control whatever wanted to unfold, wanted to express myself but was so scared, but realized that by opening myself I started giving and receiving so much more love.

First shibari came by, I was very confused why shibari, something that was still so ‘hidden’, I really had to expose myself. But it was instant love and it took me into a path I had no idea which way I would go.
Now I know it taught me how to be vulnerable, how to feel again and how to surrender to life itself.

My life evolved into facilitating and assisting workshops that free up our mind and body, our conditioning, kink, shibari, or tantra. I have assisted in many workshops and learned so much, thank you for that especially Ruby May
Also so grateful for my dear friend Eveline for creating so many workshops with me and for Johan for our workshops together.

I started doing private sessions with couples who share with me their deepest and darkest shadows and longings.
I work with individuals exploring themselves and learning to love themselves.
A lot of trauma lays in everybody and in opening myself to whatever wants to unfold I find myself transforming my own and other people’s trauma.

And every time I am in a session or when I am in a workshop space my heart is jumping up and down and I feel I really have to do this.
Every time I see somebody sink into their body, open up, lighting up, go wild and feel uncontrollable pleasure or really love themselves and each other, I know why I do this. Every time is so special. Every time is so humble.
And also sometimes it is not there, maybe not the right time and then nothing happens, or resistance comes up, but that is part of it too.
It is opening up over and over again, opening in vulnerability in order to be really present.

The past year I had the opportunity to sink into whatever wants to unfold even more (..thx baby)
I needed to become really quiet to hear my own voice.
So many ideas were running through me, and I told myself I had to just go for it, face my fears, work harder, push further (demons from my past)
And sometimes that is just not what you need.
Sometimes yes, but sometimes really no. Sometimes you just have to wait and be very quiet.
I needed to slow down and take it step by step and really let everything bubble up from deep within.
I had to learn to listen to my own voice and really hear what she has to say and still sometimes it gets blurry with so much going on around us, but that’s ok as well

The beauty of surrender

The beauty of surrender

Posted on by Silvia
yoga-313

After years of practicing shibari I wonder what it is that keeps me so in love with this way of expressing and connecting.

Every time it is different and every time it touches me so deeply.

It brings me to a place inside myself where I feel calm, playful, vulnerable and powerful.

It is an experience of surrender for the person who is being tied , but also for me it feels like i surrender to something bigger than me. All my senses wake up, i can feel myself and the other deeply, the world around me fades away and i feel connected to everything.

What feels key to surrendering to the expression of myself is to open myself to whatever wants to unfold. No control but just let it happen, with open heart, open mind and open body.

This is something I have been learning over the years, to become vulnerable and to surrender because I used to be closed down in so many ways. Old patterns, my old hiding and defense meganisms, they are not working anymore. They were just a way to not trust life enough and wanting control over it.

And so I practice surrendering to life itself.  

Totally opening up to whatever wants to unfold comes with unblocking everything inside.  

I have become aware of the resistance inside me, I practice being totally present with everything I do, and I face all my fears from a space of love and playfulness.

It all becomes more clear how to do this, I am learning it along the way. How to surrender to everything, other people, life, to my emotions, my fears and so my shadow becomes integrated inside me.